I do not feel good

I haven’t felt good in several weeks, since the day I knew that I was about to be furloughed for certain and out of work for some indefinite time.  Fortunately the dyazide has helped to keep my blood pressure in check, but I still go through each day with my jaws and neck aching (and often with my head aching as well as a result) because I unconsciously clench my teeth when I’m awake and grind my teeth when I’m asleep; I sleep half the day away and fail to accomplish the job-search tasks I need to do if I’m to work again; I drink more than I should in an attempt to self-medicate depression because I can’t afford to buy anti-depressants.

I make some attempts to fight my demons.  I make an effort to relax my jaws, to sit up straighter at the computer in the hope my shoulders won’t ache so, to get up and do something besides be a lump in front of the CRT all day long, to limit the booze intake.  Sometimes I make some progress.

Today I had to visit my doctor (a hundred-dollar office visit, since I haven’t any health insurance) for a sinus infection.  While I was there, I managed to persuade him to write me three-month prescriptions for a couple of my maintenance medications that he didn’t originally prescribe, but which he knows I need to be taking, and next week T and I are going to go down to Mexico to get them filled.  I still can’t well afford the drugs in any case, but I hope the prices there will be enough lower than those here that I can afford to keep them—particularly the Wellbutrin—going, against the day somebody is finally willing to employ me again and I can have health insurance and prescription coverage once more.

I really, really hope the Wellbutrin can get my depression and stress and anxiety back under control soon, because this sort of half-life is dragging me under.