A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . no, wait, I’ve said that wrong. Some years ago, when I was still hanging out in Fidonet (“the garage-band version of the Internet”—thank you, Wired magazine, for that description), somebody in a cooking newsgroup got to reading the labels on food cans—which was probably a mistake, but there you are. He wasn’t doing too good at comprehending the gobbledygook, so I decided to . . . um . . . help him. This is how it went:
And I like this one: Water, Corn Syrup, Partially hydrogenated soybean and/or cottonseed oil, Sodium Caseinate (a milk derivative),** Dipotassium Phosphate, Polysorbate 60, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Carrageenan, Artificial Flavor, Beta-Carotene color.
**Not a source of lactose.
Hey! Doctor Science! Could you translate the ingredients on this label for us?
I’m sorry, but the Doctor is busy. However, I also have a Master’s Degree in Science! (an early one, signed by Mr. Science, before he became a doctor), so I will translate.
Partially hydrogenated soybean and/or cottonseed oil: Soybeans and cotton are known to be prone to rust while in the field. Therefore, one must anoint them with oil to prevent this condition. Some soybean oils are emulsified with water to make them go further; when this is done, the oil is said to be “hydro-genated.”
Sodium Caseinate: The most effective way to get sodium to processing plants is in large cases. Once the sodium was unpacked, the cases were left over, and polluted the environment. In order to eliminate this source of pollution, the cases were reprocessed into case-inate and used as a filler. It is, as noted, not a source of lactose because the case-inate does not lac tose tings.
Dipotassium Phosphate: Food industry workers are very tradition-bound persons. They still hold to food habits long since abandoned by the rest of the population, including drinking soft drinks popular at the turn of the century (then known as “phosphates”). Presence of a phosphate in food means a worker has spilled his luncheon drink into the processing vat. An alternative theory holds that this is due to contamination by laundry detergent.
Polysorbate 60: This is the result of an unfortunate industrial accident. It is obvious that a middle-aged parrot somehow became involved in the machinery and was accidentally added to the mixture.
Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate: Sodium is a very headstrong element, and is difficult to steer into the correct chemical reactions. Stearoyl is added to make it easier to move the sodium in the right direction. The source of the term “lactylate” is uncertain; it may refer to the fact that the inventory of stearoyl was short by eight cans.
Carrageenan: Geenan is a highly unstable mixture and should only be handled with great caution. “Carrageenan” indicates that the mixture was handled with sufficient care to combine it successfully.
Beta-Carotene color: Mr. Science admits to having been stumped by this one; however, Mrs. Science quickly explained to him that of course this showed the manufacturers were diversifying into diamonds, and that they were now testing the color and weight of the stones. The testing program is still not perfected, however, as indicated by the beta release prefix. Future updates will compensate for the yellow tint.
Haile Selassie financed a Tel Aviv chair with Roger Rabbit. Fnord.
